We live in a world of cancel culture. If someone’s views are not aligned with ours, our immediate tendency is to cancel them out of our lives. This has seeped into marriages, friendships, and even our churches. The church in Corinth had significant relationship issues. They essentially “canceled” each…
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In 2022, the nation’s largest and most comprehensive annual scientific study on over 5,000 single men and women revealed the top five traits singles seek in a partner. Even more than seeking someone they deem physically attractive (which fell farther down the list at 86%) the top traits singles seek…
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(image courtesy: Unsplash) Once upon a time, Woody from Toy Story was the favorite doll of Andy, his owner. Everything changed, however, with the arrival of a new action figure, Buzz Lightyear. As Andy started playing more and more with Buzz over Woody, Woody started experiencing sadness and jealousy. Being…
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Our love story began with a twenty-minute conversation 22 years ago. It was love at first sight. And, those twenty minutes showed me that we both shared a love for God and a passion to live our lives in obedience to where and how God leads us. In…
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Ironman. Or a Half-Ironman. That is the last thing that will come to anyone’s mind when they look at me. I am medically obese and visually a “big guy” with no six-packs or lean muscles. I just finished my first 70.3 Half-Ironman yesterday at Indian Wells, La Quinta and I…
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A New Year. A New Beginning. Regardless of how 2018 has been, the new year brings the hope of experiencing something new for all of us.
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Quest for Heaven
Like anyone who has lost a loved one, I too have often wondered, “Where are they now?” As Christians who believe in Heaven, we cognitively know that they are with Christ in Heaven. But, what does Heaven really look like? How are our loved ones now in heaven? Do they know what is happening on Earth and how much we miss them? We know we will see them again in our glorified bodies when Christ returns but, what happens until then?
For me, the question of Heaven is not just a theological quest. It is deeply personal. It began when my sister’s six-month-old son died of a brain tumor several years ago and I carried his cold, dead body from the hospital back home. From then till a couple of months ago, when I felt my brother-in-law’s cold hands when we went to see him at a funeral home, the question on my mind has been, “Where are they now and how will they be?”
As a church, several of my dear friends have also lost their loved ones recently and I am sure that they are wrestling with these questions as well.
What is Heaven Like?
Recently, I was preaching a final sermon on a series titled, “Soul Care” (link to sermon) where I was looking into the future of our souls from a familiar text in the Bible: the parable of Lazarus and the rich ruler as narrated by Jesus to the Pharisees. (Luke 16:19-31) We see a graphic picture of Heaven and Hell in this parable.
While researching for this, I read Randy Alcorn’s book, Heaven* that has sold over a million copies. He has done an exhaustive study on this topic where he shows how much we can know about Heaven from the Bible. Most Christians tend to have very cliché ideas of Heaven, drawn from children’s storybooks, movies, or pop culture.
From systematic theologians to preachers (including myself), Heaven has been a rarely addressed topic (when was the last time you heard a sermon on Heaven?). Even when it is addressed, it is slipped in as a footnote to lengthy discussions about the rapture or the different views on the millennium.
Randy Alcorn suggests that Heaven is a real but evolving place. It was different before the world was created when the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit existed along with all the angels before the fall of Lucifer (Luke 10:18 where Jesus says he saw Lucifer fall like a lightning from heaven) – it is transient now in an intermediate form – and when Christ returns, a new Heaven and new Earth will be formed, which will last for eternity.
This current, transient Heaven is sometimes referred to as Paradise in the Bible. Here, Randy Alcorn suggests that those who die and have put their faith in Christ will have a transient body until Christ’s return, when we will all have glorified bodies, like Christ.
There are several places in the Bible where we meet saints who were dead. At the Mount of Transfiguration, for example, Moses and Elijah appear in some sort of physically recognizable body. Revelations 6 talks of saints who were martyred being given white robes. Paul has been to the present Heaven (2 Cor. 12:2). John has been given a vision of the Heaven that he captures for us in Revelations. Jesus even tells the thief, “Today, you will be with me in paradise”.
What happens when we die?
Here is what we can glean from the parable in Luke as highlighted by Randy Alcorn.
There are a lot of similarities with this list and the Martyrs that we see in Revelations 6:9-11 and Luke 9:31.
Based on the above and other instances in the Bible, we can safely believe that our loved ones too have been carried to Paradise, that they recognize other saints, friends, and family who have gone before them, and that they retain their identities and a transient physical form that does not have pain or suffering.
Not only are our loved ones in a better place but they remember us and remember their lives. They know God’s redemptive plan for us and the world. When we live lives that please God by putting our faith in Christ alone, that can and will surely bring a smile to their faces.
Heavenly Hope
Yes, it is painful for us for a “little while” (compared to eternity) to go through the pain of missing them. Yes, it will not be easy to go through life without our loved ones. Yes, we will not have all the answers to the questions that pop up in our minds when we miss them. But these are short-term pains that will be quelled by an eternal perspective on life and our future where Christ reigns as our King in his everlasting Kingdom.
Recently, our neighbor handed us a copy of the book “Option B” co-authored by Sheryl Sandberg, a Silicon Valley tech executive who had lost her husband suddenly while on a vacation. The book talks about building resilience by looking at the good things we have each day, being thankful for them, and letting them motivate us to develop resilience.
There is much truth in these words and as Christians, we have something even better to hope in. As Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 [ESV], “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.”
Our resilience can be built, not just by looking at the past and being thankful for the present but by looking at Christ who literally went through Hell so we can live forever in the New Heavens and the New Earth with our loved ones celebrating life forever.
Two to four people die every second. We will be one of those people eventually. Death tests our worldview and faith in a way that nothing else does. The last thought that will cross our minds when we die is probably the most important thought of our lives. For an atheist or an agnostic person, life after death is empty and non-existent and so I really don’t know how they deal with the loss of their loved ones. For my friends who believe in the karmic cycle of life and rebirth, the thought that their loved one might somehow be born again as another human might bring some relief but I know from friends who have lost someone dear to them that this does not really bring much comfort either.
The Bible has some words of encouragement for us in 2 Corinthians 4:16 [ESV], “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” This is the heavenly hope for all hurting hearts. This is the motivation we all need to make life count each day by living on Earth for something bigger than our self. Are we ready to face eternity?
I got back from India after the loss of my brother-in-law and then went to see my best friend, Danny, miraculously revived from a stroke in Boise (as shared in my previous blog).
What happened in Boise was beautiful. Danny obviously survived but people came to see him one after another. Danny would introduce me to them and then share that although these people looked great, they all had walked through some major crisis in life.
Stories of Loss
The first person who came to see Danny had a radiant smile. She had made it from Burma (now Myanmar) to Boise along with her mother and sister. Her father and brothers were reunited with them after 7 years. Soon after being reunited, her mother passed away because of cancer within a month of discovery. She did not know at that time what the future would look like.
Next was a school teacher, a former student of Danny’s. His newly-married bride had a brainstem-related illness. They had to surgically remove a nerve that is connected to the part of the brain that controls motion. This caused her to throw up even while sitting. For three months, she had to sit in the back of the car with her eyes closed so she wouldn’t be sick. She lived those months not knowing if she could ever walk again.
The next one to visit was the hospital chaplain. He also happened to be Danny’s former student. He shared that he had a stroke when he was 12. He had a part of his brain removed because of that. After that, he continues to suffer from aneurysms. At the point of his surgery, he thought his life was over and his future looked bleak.
Then came a man along with his wife, a passionate mother of three, who is a dear friend of Danny’s wife, Tracy. They were from Rwanda and were unable to return there for the past 18 years. She prayed with tears for Danny’s healing in Swahili. Though I could not understand the words, I could connect with her in Spirit knowing that she dearly wanted Danny to be fully healed. When they left Rwanda they were not sure if they would ever be able to visit their home country again and did know what life in a new country would be like.
All of these people had suffered loss in one form or another. From health issues to home problems to the loss of loved ones. Yet, they were there with a smile on their faces to encourage and cheer for Danny. How is that possible?
What Breaks Our Soul?
When we lose someone or something significant to us, we are first overcome by SADNESS and WEAKNESS.
The sadness is because what we lost was precious, irreplaceable, and very dear to our hearts. The weakness is because memories of the lost person or life suck the energy out of us.
We then wonder why this happened and how we should make sense of this crisis and the grief.
A soul that cries in pain searches for answers.
What is God’s answer to these difficult questions?
Wherever I went, I was asked difficult questions after the loss of my brother-in-law. I also had my own questions. So, I turned to God’s word and was drawn to Habakkuk 3:17-19.
Hab. 3:17 Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
19 God, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer’s;
he makes me tread on my high places.
To the choirmaster: with stringed instruments. [ESV, emphasis added]
The six clauses of Habakkuk 3:17 seem to be in ascending order of severity, with the loss of figs ranking lowest and the loss of the herd in the stalls ranking highest. Starting from the aesthetic and soul satisfying things, such as figs and wine, to daily food, everything that counts for daily livelihood is about to be taken away at once for the prophet and the entire nation.
What Gives Hope for a Broken Soul?
Habakkuk questions God and ends up becoming JOYFUL and STRONG once he hears God specifically give him answers. He is able to say the above in the face of impending national calamity that will strip away everything he and those he loves possess.
What was it that he found that helped him?
Although Habakuk is grouped as one among the many minor prophets in the Bible, he deals with some major and difficult questions.
Habakuk reminds me, first of all, that it’s ok to ask questions. I can ask tough questions to a tough God.
He is very honest, bold, and reverential in asking God tough questions.
So Habakuk asks:
Hab. 1:2 O Lord, how long shall I cry for help,
and you will not hear?
Or cry to you “Violence!”
and you will not save?
3 Why do you make me see iniquity,
and why do you idly look at wrong? [ESV]
God answers him twice. Once in chapter 1 and again in chapter 2.
God responds to Habakkuk’s honest question with an exhortation to WAIT. That’s the first key.
Hab. 2:2 And the Lord answered me:
……
3 If it seems slow, wait for it;
it will surely come; it will not delay. [ESV, emphasis added]
Waiting is the most difficult thing to do.
When you have lost someone, or a job, or your home life seems hopeless. Your future looks bleak.
Most often, when we lose someone, our thoughts are about the future–where are they now, will we see them, etc. We wish that the pain would somehow be shortened.
There is no quick-fix, instant pain relievers in God’s Kingdom. It will be slow but it will be sure.
God’s timing is different from our timing.
We cannot just wait without anything and so God tells us the second thing to do:
BELIEVE. You don’t just have to wait in a vacuum. You need to believe.
Hab. 2:4 “Behold, his soul is puffed up; it is not upright within him,
but the righteous shall live by his faith.
Only the proud will not be able to believe and submit to the sovereignty of God.
But the righteous, he says, live by faith…
It’s interesting that it does not say. “buckle up, work hard, get back up…”
Only trusting that God can and will save and restore these dark moments can bring restoration to the soul.
Believe. Believe in Him. Believe in Who He is. Believe that He will do it.
The just shall live by faith. That’s God’s answer. This was a key verse for the reformation and Martin Luther as well.
The just shall live by faith. Faith in what?
For Habakuk, trusting that God is in control…He is at work…He provides.
He did provide Jesus…He did what the last King of Israel could not…he gave his life in battle but Jesus gave his life so God will reign supreme…if every name and knee will bow before this Jesus who is our King…will this King not fight the battles for us…
Let God fight our battles..He already did through Jesus on the cross…if we try to fight it or try to find joy by worldly things it will not last…
Trust that he is at work so you don’t have to work or worry about that…Live life believing in that…
Trust in the sovereignty of God…
Two things happen when a soul is broken : Sadness and Weakness
The exact opposite of that is what happens to those who wait and believe: Joy and Strength
Sorrow will be turned into Joy. Joy eventually knowing that all things work together for good.
The words for ‘rejoicing’ here represent strong emotions.
The famous New England pastor and theologian, Jonathan Edwards, at age 18 in his very first sermon, called Christian Happiness, laid out this thesis that Christians should be happy. …His three points were this: Christians should be happy; why?
A. Because our bad things will turn out for good, Romans 8:28.
B. Our good things like our adoption and our justification and our union with Christ can never be taken away from us.
C. The best things are yet to come.
Willing to wait and be patient and trusting only in the sovereignty of God will produce joy…
Weakness will turn into strength.
God strengthens those who trust in him in a mysterious way. This was so evident in all the stories of the people shared above.
Stories of Redemption
The cheerful girl from Burma and her mom are now doing well. Her mom now has a job and she works to help people like her.
The young bride of the school teacher who lost a part that controls stability ran a marathon after 5 years and that happened just a year ago.
The chaplain who does not have a part of his brain and has seizures does 50 k and 100 k runs and is gearing up for his next big run now. He said being able to do small things that were not possible led him to keep seeking the next big challenge and God has now helped him achieve these rare feats.
The couple who left Rwanda without anything raised wonderful children and are now able to head back, after 18 years, buying gifts for all their loved ones back home. In Boise, they are involved in helping interpret for trauma care counsellors who seek to help those who come from war-ravaged countries.
These broken people came to encourage Danny who is broken…
That’s beautiful. God was telling me…see…I have never let down anyone who has WAITED for me and BELIEVED in me…I have done it in these people’s lives…I’m going to do it in your friend’s life and in your life. God says the same to you…
WAIT and BELIEVE
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Death stings. It’s deadlier than any other sting that one may have experienced. When a bee stings, it leaves its stinger in its victim. When death stings, it leaves its stinger in the hearts of those who dearly loved the one who died. The wound takes a long time to heal especially for those nearest to the one who left us. The pain is real, deep, and agonizing.
Philip Yancey in his book, “Where is God When It Hurts”, talks about different thresholds of pressure and pain various parts of our body can endure, ranging from the cornea of our eyes to our foot. For example, he writes about how our cornea has a threshold of 0.2g of pressure before it experiences pain while our fingertips have a threshold of 300g pressure. How I wish that we were able to measure the pain threshold of our hearts.
There is no pain that is greater than watching our loved one die. My earliest traumatic experiences in pastoral ministry were holding the hands of a 9-year-old daughter of young parents and staying with a middle-aged mother of three as she passed away. The debilitating experience of sensing a person’s body go cold in front of your eyes numbs your inmost being. I cannot imagine what Inba’s dear wife went through as she held her husband’s hand and felt it turn that telltale cold.
A few weeks before Inba’s last day, another family in New Jersey lost a loved father to cancer. Inba wept bitterly for that family and especially for the daughter, the father left behind. My wife asked me if perhaps her brother, Inba, was prophetically mourning for his own wife and son.
The only one who can provide healing and hope is someone who has experienced that very same pain themselves. And there was only one who experienced it profoundly. It must have hurt God the Father to see his own Son suffer on the cross and especially to know that his own Justice required that He turn his face away even while his Son cried out “My God, My God why have you forsaken me…” So, if anyone understands pain, our God does. If anyone understands hurt, our God goes. If anyone understands grief, our God does. Yet, it is out of that pain and that hurt on the cross that healing flows for all who hurt.
How can healing happen? When can healing begin?
While there can be no timeline for healing, it is healthy to begin pursuing healing so we can come out stronger and not let this crisis debilitate us forever. A life without healing is not the life our loved ones would have wanted us to live, despite our love for them. For healing to begin, three things need to change with respect to the present, past and future.
The Present
Time heals. Or does it? Time sure does enable us to start getting relieved of the shock and face the reality that the one we love is gone.
Questions of why and if only may surface with anger once the shock has waned away. There is no running away from these.
But, at some point, one has to face the reality that our loved one is no more and no amount of questioning or anger or any other emotion we experience is going to bring them back to us.
It is fruitless to get frantic or busy or silent and get into a shell. Neither of these is going to help bring our loved one back or help us begin to heal. The sooner we embrace this reality, the faster the healing can begin. What helps is to acknowledge the sovereignty of God even through and especially amidst pain.
Job was the most righteous man in all the Earth. He lost his health, wealth, and his dear children whom he loved all in the flash of lightning. Even his own wife cried out to him, “Curse God and die”. That would be what many who do not know God personally would suggest even now. But, Job was able to embrace his suffering as ordained by God for God’s glory and said, “The Lord gave and the Lord took away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”
A week before Inba died his uncle visited him in New Jersey and preached on suffering in a church nearby. After that, during a coffee conversation, Inba reiterated his points as they discussed the death of a young friend saying that one cannot question the wisdom of God and that they need to trust. He perhaps unknowingly wanted to prepare us with what we would need to hear for questions we would ask once he was gone. The last words in Inba’s prayer journal were “We should expect suffering.”
The Future
The biggest mountain before us that prevents us from healing is fear of the future, the unknown.
Why should we die? Why should anyone die? What happens when we die? Is it just the natural, biological end of the human life cycle that just happens and has no meaning? Or, is it an escape from the brutal realm of human existence and an opportunity to merge with the absolute? Or, is it just the result of human greed, selfishness, and pride that originate from within all of us which the Bible calls as sin? This is no place for philosophical reasoning as it would probably generate more heat than light for many of us seeking answers.
Christ conquered death and makes us victors. The Bible says we will join our loved ones and have glorified bodies and will be able to say “Oh, death, where is your sting?” Now, that is more than just healing. It’s conquering. It makes us more than conquerors through Him who loved us. Though for a while, we feel the sting of death, it is only for a short while. The sting of the bee does not last for long. So is the sting of death. We will join our loved ones and come out as more than conquerors.
The Past
Once we are able to ride the present and future, the past can transform from bringing tears of sadness to smiles of celebration. We can start celebrating things the person cared for and emulating the best about them in our lives. That way, the person, though dead, can still live and be celebrated and honored.
Healing cannot happen in isolation. The best catalyst for healing is love. A person who is hurting needs love and care more than empty phrases, such as, “if you need anything let me know.” Though well-intentioned, very often a person in grief cannot think of what they need. So, just show up. Do what you see is needed, but don’t fail to show love. We cherish people, like Inba, who showed love and care.
This is where the healing begins. We accept the present, celebrate the past, and anticipate a glorious future.
For me, I still go back and forth between grieving and beginning to heal, as the memories are still fresh. But, I hope and believe and pray that the time will come soon when I will be able to say “Oh, death, where is your sting”, not only in the distant future of rejoining Inba in eternity but even now.
It was an odd Friday night. I was working in my newly refurbished office reading a passage from the Bible for a series I was preaching on titled “soul care”. Just a week ago I had begun this series and had quoted Jesus saying “what shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world and yet loses his soul”. The longer you are in pastoral ministry the deeper you see the pains, tears and struggle that people go through which hurt and can at times destroy our souls. Add to this the challenge of reaching people living in the richest place on earth with an overdose of affluence, distractions and pleasures of the world that gets even the most spiritually oriented. For many who live here relishing this extravagant lifestyle, God starts diminishing from their radar and disappears like a slow truck you pass on a California freeway driving 20 miles over the speed limit if we do not watch out for our own souls.
The passage I was reading was from Psalm 103;.. as for man his life is like the grass of the field…the wind blows over it and it is no more..”. Just as I was reading this I heard my wife rushing into my office with her phone (as she was here along with my mom who had just come from India to recover from a health issue and were attending our Friday night exchange group in one of the rooms nearby). Her face panicked and her voice quivered. It was from another pastor friend calling from my sister-in-laws phone at 30 mins past midnight from New Jersey. He broke the dreadful news to me in less than a minute that my dear brother-in-law Inba who turned 40 recently had collapsed while playing Volleyball preparing for a fundraiser to provide homes for destitute children. He could not be revived despite the best medical intervention and left us a few minutes ago. I did not have much time to break it to my wife who was sensing something unimaginable and kept asking what happened to her brother. This was her younger baby brother Inba whom she dearly loved. Having no time to process and being in a state of terrible shock myself I broke the news in two words “Inba died”.
It took us three days before we could see Inba in a funeral home. My heart almost stopped seeing my brother-in-law who had become my own little brother too. He had just visited us a couple of months ago to meet our newly adopted children and we had wonderful times together. It was even more traumatic for me to see my darling wife hurt terribly seeing her baby brother lying speechless, cold and leaving us in a hurry without any hint. My lower jaws began quivering (and still does) which I guess is my body’s way of expressing grief.
Shock is the first of several phases of grief according to those who have studied this in-depth. The manner in which Inba left us aggravated this shock for all of us. Some cry, some don’t, some get busy, some shutdown and become still. Everyone’s different and express grief differently. I could see myself going through all of the above within the first two days as we rushed to take the last red-eye flight out of San Jose and crying the whole flight along with my wife and getting busy with all the arrangements to help take Inba back home once we landed and finding a few quiet moments in between to be still. We went to the place where Inba collapsed along with his friends less than 24 hours since he died. I felt helpless that I could not be there for my brother when he needed help the most.
Healing cannot begin without grieving. In some cultures men don’t cry as it is seen as a sign of weakness or being less masochistic. For some crying symbolizes lack of faith in God. Jesus wept seeing his best friend Lazarus die (though he knew it was going to happen and that he will be brought back alive again). The Bible does not tell us not to grieve. It only reminds us that we don’t have to grieve like those who don’t have hope but never encourages us to suppress grief. It is never healthy to suppress grief.
Grieving is even more complicated and traumatic for children for whom it happens in short on and off bursts according to Norman H.Wright and others who have written good resources to help children deal with grief. It tore my heart to hear Inba’s three and a half-year old son experience nightmares during the first two nights asking for his dad who usually puts him to sleep. He wanted to put on his blue shoes and go to the hospital to see his dad in the middle of the night as he was rushed the night before wearing his blue shoes to the ER where his dad would leave him while he waited outside. I had to break the news to him through a story that he is no longer with us. He watched his dad being buried and said he does not want his dad to be trapped in the box under the mud. What do you say to a child who is not supposed to experience these feelings. Still, he is learning to grieve watching us and we ought not to fake it or suppress it for him as he will find other unhealthy ways to release his trauma now or later. And so we grieve. Not in hopelessness but out of love and the fact that Inba will be terribly missed on our sojourn here.
I began reading C.S. Lewis who penned “A Grief Observed” in his journal as he was mourning the loss of his beloved wife whom he loved dearly. C.S.Lewis has the gift of giving voice to our deepest feelings, fears, doubts and grief and articulating them in vivid manner. He wrote, “The death of a beloved is an amputation….The same leg is cut off time after time”. A limb lost is a limb lost. A prosthetic can pretend to be the limb and even do most of what it can do but it still is not the same. And so we grieve – not in hopelessness but for love’s sake. After all it’s the first inevitable step toward healing and hope.
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